


What now my love?

by Terfle



Category: Holby City
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Break Up, F/F, Femslash, Heartbreak, Reconciliation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-27
Updated: 2019-05-11
Packaged: 2020-02-07 13:10:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 3,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18621292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Terfle/pseuds/Terfle
Summary: Bernie & Serena haven't seen each other in three years. Could they become friends again? (Events and timeline altered)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Song lyrics to 'remember me.'

It had been a long hard slog of three years. Three years working to her limit, three years trying to avoid that fucking Ed Sheeran song. Three years of doggedly trying to erase all thoughts of Serena Campbell and failing. The piercing ache had slowly calmed down, raging insistently at all the little triggers that she’d initially revelled in. They’d never had time to just be present with each other. There had been so many things taking up their time that there was nothing left for them. After the first heady uncertain weeks of their courtship, life had slammed them against the wall and they’d taken a battering ever since. It couldn’t have worked out. It turned out that they had wanted different things. Bernie couldn’t quite believe that but she just had to walk away in the end. She had to put herself first this time.

Kickboxing was proving to be quite the distraction. Kept her focused and drove out so many thoughts that had been incessantly torturing her. Had she been a fool not to hedge her bets with Alex? But again, bad timing. Such bad timing. And Bernie had needed to find out who she was before she decided on being with someone. Another idiot move on her part. Because Serena had caused her the most heartbreak and she feared that she’d never get over it.

 

_‘Oh, please remember me  
And I'll remember too’_

 

She should have been happy that she was back in England and not thinking about Serena. And she was. Except when she’d remembered the touch of Serena’s fingers clasping hers. She felt Cam sigh, felt his eyes on her face, scanning her expression for what he knew to be there. Yearning for someone she couldn’t have. But this time it was different. It had been possible; she had been so close to getting it but it slipped out of her grasp. She tried to start again with someone else but it was slow going. A few first dates, a kiss here and there but it was nothing but pleasant. She wanted more than just nice. She wanted earth shattering, exquisite, intense orgasms and coffee mornings. She wanted to be wrapped in a blanket, big enough for two to curl up listening to the rain outside.

Standing in the middle of Kings Cross Station, she didn’t know which way to turn to make that dream close enough to touch, close enough to keep. She kept striding through a maze with an ever-widening distance until it felt like she was walking through the clouds. Her habit of tuning people out while she travelled wasn’t one of her best habits.

But something stopped her in her tracks this time. An unmistakable figure from the past, two of them, even. Just as she’d seen them last. They turned round and locked eyes with her, shattering her bubble. Cam protectively flanked her, glaring at them both.

‘Bernie! What are you doing here?’

She supposed it wasn’t a stupid question. She had been in Nairobi for three years. She wondered how to answer, a lengthy thought process that burned inside her brain, words struggling to get out, to explain her situation. Cam willed her to say something, seeming to sense that she was fighting her thoughts. But all she managed was a pathetic ‘um.’

She deserved that responding scowl and eye roll. She felt Cam’s anger at them both. Bernie didn’t know how to get out of this.


	2. Chapter 2

' _This is our last goodbye  
But darling will you please_

 _Remember me from time to time_  
_The one who loves you_  
_Remember me from time to time_  
_I won't forget you'_

 

Stop playing that fucking album, she knew what her daughter would say. But Agnetha Fältskog had one of those voices that could pinpoint the hurt in the heart. There were some weeks where she could not stop playing it. Elinor had been out all day so she could indulge in sobbing her face off while preparing dinner.

 

' _I watch you walk away_  
_But in my mind you stay_  
 _An everlasting dream_  
 _To me you've always been_  
 _And please don't turn around as you walk away'_

 

Oh she'd stupidly done that. One of the biggest mistakes of her life. But there was no undoing it now. She'd been paying for it ever since. There were times where she'd stared out of the window and wondered how much better it would have been if she'd hurled herself off the roof of Holby hospital all those years ago. It wouldn't have been fair on anyone. But sometimes she felt like she just should have done it. She'd had nightmares about it sometimes. She'd been too exhausted to have nightmares when Elinor was in a coma and they thought she'd never wake up. But now that she was back to normal, Serena had to focus on other things. Being a great aunt was wonderful but tiring. Downscaling her work was a decision she didn't want to make but decided was inevitable. It left her time to think but too much time with her thoughts unsettled her. She'd spent many hours of those last three years with a heavy heart, an agonising tear within her chest when she thought of whom she'd misguidedly let go. She thought she was doing the right thing at the time. But she was unprepared for the grief to engulf her, it was as if Bernie had really, truly died. Someone so remote it was pointless to turn around and tell her things or share anything with. She'd sat in the garden so many times in the evening, wondering about the person she was sharing the same sky with and how she was getting on. She could imagine a life much more exciting for Bernie than Holby. She didn't deserve a humdrum life here.

Her phone rang, serenading the end of the song as it faded away. Serena stopped chopping and switched it off with a little finger. Peering at the screen, she didn't recognise the number. She clicked to take the call 'hello?'

Silence on the other end. Almost silence. Just the sound of a distressed breath. She repeated. The caller didn't seem to want to respond. They hung up. Serena clicked her tongue in frustration. The second call came as she had finished washing her hands.

'I'm giving you five seconds before I hang up' she warned them.'

'Serena?'

Her heart felt like it had missed several beats. She'd know that voice anywhere.


	3. Chapter 3

Bernie knew that her son wanted to protect her but she wanted to do nothing more than to call that number.

'Just call her' Elinor snapped, giving her the piece of paper she'd scribbled on.

'Why the hell should she?' Cam retorted. 'She's the one who broke it up.'

'Cam, please.'

'How can you even consider speaking to Serena again? After what she did?'

'Actually, auntie Serena never told us what happened' Jason chimed in.

Cam shot his mother a glance. Neither had she but he was loathe to admit it. Elinor was quick off the mark though.

'She's not told you either then?' She turned to Bernie.

'Mum's in bits. Keeps crying when she thinks we can't see her, listens to maudlin love songs from the 60s, it's awful. There are some weeks when we never see her smile.'

Bernie felt sick at the thought of Serena hurting in her absence.

'What did happen?'

'Now's not the time, Jason' his cousin muttered. Bernie could tell that she was dying to know but if Serena wouldn't tell them, neither would Bernie.

'My mum's never gotten over Serena, more fool her' Cam started heatedly.

Bernie had vowed to come back if anyone had hurt Serena. But saving Serena from herself was tricky. Bernie hadn't managed it all that time ago and she wasn't sure she could do it now. But she knew that she wanted to try. She left the children bickering and hurried away, dialling the number. She was such a coward that she'd hung up. Hearing Serena's voice had made her heart skip into her mouth so she couldn't answer. She looked over her shoulder. They hadn't noticed that she'd gone. Time for a drastic pick-me-up.

She took out the tiny bottle of whiskey hidden in her bag and downed it. It was probably four shots in one go but it lit her up and gave her courage. It was an emergency measure. She rang again. She heard Serena's irritable threat. Before she could finish, Bernie interrupted. Saying the name she'd not dared to say out loud for three years. She'd heard Serena start with surprise. Pictured her in one of her lurid blouses with a drink in hand. An image that stabbed through her mind and invaded her senses. She could smell the wine, feel the material on her fingertips, the lingering perfume on her neck still there even after a hard day's work.

'Bernie? Is that you?'

Bernie confirmed.

'Where are you?'

'At Kings Cross. We've just bumped into Elinor and Jason. I've had an entire mini bottle of whiskey in five seconds flat. I think I'm drunk.'

How she had missed that low chuckle. Today it was giving her goosebumps.

'The kids are confronting each other. We've told them nothing and now there are accusations flying everywhere.'

'Wait there.'

'What?'

'Wait there. I'm coming to get you.'


	4. Chapter 4

Bernie hadn't noticed the panic behind her until Cam clamped a hand on her shoulder.

'Mum! Where did you get to?'

Bernie gave him a beseeching look.

'I called her.'

He huffed in annoyance and spun away.

'I had to! I need to speak to her.'

'What did you talk about?' enquired Jason.

'She's coming here.'

'To Kings Cross?'

It was a tense half an hour spent in the company of her ex-girlfriend's children, alleviated by stories of Guinevere, Jason and Greta's toddler.

'I can't believe she's so grown up' marvelled Bernie, scanning each picture with delight. She'd desperately wanted to be in the child's life but felt like she'd be imposing. Cam remembered that she'd been like that with him and Charlie when they were that age. She was one of the most wonderful people he'd ever set eyes on and he'd been in love with her before anyone else. He couldn't remember when things had changed and turned sour.

Bernie knew before anyone when the moment was approaching. She could sense Serena walking towards them; her footsteps reverberating an underlying bass, leaving shadows on the floor. She looked up and saw the red coat. Little Red Riding Hood to her Big Bad Wolf. Hair a little longer than she'd last seen, in wisps past her ears, still that silvery grey. Eyes still bright and shining, inquisitive like a robin.

She stood there smiling sadly, not sure how to approach. But Bernie strode past everyone to envelope her in a hug so tight she'd barely believed she was capable of it.

'I missed you' she heard her whisper. Bernie could hear the relief and regret in that voice. She could do nothing but keep her in her grip, fearing she'd melt away if she let go.


	5. Chapter 5

They packed the children off home and went to Nandos. Serena had only had takeaway from there, the noise of the restaurant too overwhelming for Jason to sit in and she appreciated not having to talk for a while. There was time for that in the Holiday Inn room that they had spontaneously booked into. Bernie had taken charge at that point and taken out her card for an economy double bed, no hesitations. They sat on the bed awkwardly at first, then relaxed side by side propped up on the pillows.

'I wrote to you. All the time.'

'Really?' Serena hadn't received any correspondence.

'They're sitting in my draft inbox. I never sent them.'

That would make sense.

'Would you send them to me sometime? I've missed out on so much.'

Bernie immediately sent them to her.

'I saw photos of Gwen. She's lovely.'

She could see the regret on Serena's face that Bernie had missed out on such precious moments.

'No matter what happens between us, you'll always be her aunt.'

'Great aunt.'

'Whatever.'

She looked the same, messy blonde hair, pink coat but there was a melancholy in her eyes that matched with Serena's. Serena took her time in reading all those emails that had finally winged their way to her, read bits and pieces out loud and asked about what had happened next and before long, it was as if they'd gone back to the start when their friendship was valuable and warm hearted, the way it was supposed to be. She learned that Bernie was staying in Kentish Town with Cam for the time being. Not that far to travel from where Serena was now living. Woodside Park. Suburban life in London.

'How is Charlotte?'

Bernie wasn't sure what to say. She was still trying to get used to it. Her pretty, intelligent daughter transitioning into a handsome, articulate son. She told Serena in a few sentences. Serena raised her eyebrows.

'Wow. I didn't expect that.'

'We never saw it coming' murmured Bernie. They'd all banded together to make Charlie feel as supported, as close as they'd ever been as a family.

'I'm just getting used to having two sons. But it'll be alright. Charlie is starting to trust me again. I need to do it right this time.'

'I know what you mean.'

Elinor's accident had floored them all. In a coma for five months, it had taken all of everyone's energy to keep going, lives almost broken apart at the seams. Serena's drinking and aggression had been at all time high and Bernie had only just been able to restrain her during work hours. That near miss when she'd thought Serena had decided to plunge off the roof, the chapter when Serena had to take time off work for a year to help rebuild Elinor's life, the spring when it seemed like mother and daughter had finally turned a corner. It had all seemed to come to a head when Serena made one of her biggest mistakes yet and in her relief at the nightmare receding into the distance, had kissed another woman. At work of all places. She'd acted too recklessly, too soon and Bernie had to escape the whirlpool dragging her to the depths of her murky imagination. She'd never felt so betrayed, especially as Serena had admitted it hadn't been worth it. To throw away everything they had on a fleeting moment was too much to bear.

In the end, it was Serena that had told her to go, while she was vacillating between staying for Cam and leaving for her career. Gently told her that she would be better off without her, in a corner of the world that would appreciate Bernie better. It wasn't going to work out between them. It had felt like a relief when she'd walked out but the pain had hit her several hours later and she'd never been able to shake it off, the return flight to Nairobi leaving her exhausted and burnt out. She'd done so well out there but now that the trauma centre was up and running and thriving very well, she'd felt aimless. She'd taken another post elsewhere but it had come to an end sooner than she would have liked. She found out that Serena and her family had left Holby for good a year ago, having decided that a fresh start was what they needed. Elinor was in the midst of studying to be an English teacher and Serena was working at a new hospital. With the little one to think of and for peace of mind, they'd embraced slower living and it was clear that it was doing them all some good. Bernie was glad that Serena was getting what she'd hadn't at Holby. That place was haunted with the past and they were well rid of it.


	6. Chapter 6

_Bernie had promised she'd be there for her. Serena had barely acknowledged it, spending her time sitting at Elinor's bedside, waiting for her to wake up. Days lost their meaning, blurred into oblivion. If you'd asked Serena what she remembered of that time, she'd say almost nothing. Just the rise and fall of her daughter's chest as she lay in the hospital bed. They never found the perpetrator, the reckless driver who had knocked a 20 year old over and left her in the street. Left her to the mercy of daytime traffic. It had made Serena fearful of driving her own car, Bernie playing chauffeur for the first month. Looking back on it, she'd taken Bernie's presence for granted, almost forgotten her in the rush to focus on her daughter when she did wake up. Patient and loyal and undeserving of Serena's neglect. It had plagued her for so long when she finally did give it some thought. She'd brushed it aside for so long that when she was finally left on her own, when Bernie had walked out of her life, there was nothing left but to go over everything they'd ever had together. All the nudges and smiles and words of encouragement back in the early days. The tentative courtship, fragile as an eggshell, the subsequent flurry of angst and confusing heartache punctuated by moments of utter bliss after Kiev and the overwhelming needs of their families that ensued after. There was always something else that needed to be done. Serena realised far too late that she hadn't prioritised time for Bernie. Just the two of them. And Bernie had been waiting, patiently for Serena to get to that conclusion. But in the end, she'd had to salute her and go before Serena was ready to get to that point._

_Now Serena felt like she was ready. But it was too late by then. Bernie had gone._


	7. Chapter 7

'Kickboxing?'

'What? It's very useful' said Bernie defensively. 'It's not about getting into fights or anything. Stop it.'

Serena couldn't help laughing, the idea that gentle Bernie would learn how to get into physical fights. She was strictly defence only material.

'It helps you get out all of the negative thoughts and feelings in a healthy way' Bernie explained.

Serena stopped laughing at that. She was aware that she was a big part of the reason for Bernie's need to repeatedly thump reinforced pads several times a week. Bernie saw her falter and didn't try to make her feel better about it. Kiev had been her biggest fuckup in their timeline but Serena had surpassed that in a way that neither could forgive. It wasn't up to her to make amends.

'I was hideous to you, I can see that now' Serena started.

'I don't want to hear how sorry you are about it. I admit that I could have been so much better at communication, given you want you needed sooner. That was my biggest mistake. But when I walked out, I was relieved for a little while. Because I realised that it wasn't alright. I did say that it wasn't insurmountable. But I couldn't have kept lying to myself. It never could have gone the way we wanted. I can't pretend that I skipped off merrily into the sunset. I can't pretend that I haven't missed you. I can't pretend I'm not still in love with you. I just can't be with you until we know if this can really work' Bernie told her gently. She hated to see the trickling tear in response but it needed to be said.

'I would give a lot to be friends with you again. Just that at least.'

No expectations. No assurances. No attempts at rushing in and covering up their lack of compatibility with sex. No grand gestures or words. Their hearts could yearn for each other for as long as it took and they could shed another ocean of tears about what had been abandoned but they couldn't jump into the disaster that had been their previous life. They knew that it was going to take a lot of time until the trust could be repaired. But now they had the luxury of time to work on it, bit by bit.

Putting all thoughts of makeup sex on the backburner, they accepted the challenge with wiser hearts.

'Just wait til we tell our kids about it.'

Bernie saw that ghost of a smile and raised it with one of her own. She'd missed this kind of interaction. She was always going to respond to it, no matter how hard she tried to resist. Trying to explain to the others that they were prepared to navigate a different kind of love was going to be hard. They knew that there was going to be some flirting that neither could harness entirely. But they wouldn't advance towards each other in the same way.

They raided the mini bar and toasted to the rekindling of their new year's resolution.

Lovers, maybe. Too late for that, maybe. But friendship. Now they could believe that that was eternal.


End file.
